


Take Me to the Moon (and Back)

by midnightsurge



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: "I must not play god", A sort of fix it for Into Darkness, Angst with a Happy Ending, Because they ruined Bones in that movie, Everyone Has Issues, M/M, Misunderstandings, and someone drags that person back, people should just communicate more, post star trek beyond, someone runs away, specifically abandonment issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-05 03:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12181632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightsurge/pseuds/midnightsurge
Summary: James Tiberius Kirk, in all his glory, stands on his tiny porch, scruffy cheeks and longer hair than the last time they’d seen each other. Bones feels the familiar tug in his chest reappear, his heart dropping to his churning stomach.“What do you want?” he tries to grumble out normally, his throat dry with the words.“What’s the matter, Bones?” Jim finally says after a moment. “You don’t look too happy to see me.”OrBones runs away from everything; the Enterprise, Starfleet, all of it. Jim, with all of his might, brings him back.





	Take Me to the Moon (and Back)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is. As usual.

            When Bones wakes up to the sound of someone banging against his door, the only thing he can think of is _The world better be fucking ending_. He squints at the display next to his bed, groaning when he sees that it’s not even past daylight yet, and burrows his face deeper into the pillow, willing whoever the fuck it is to just _go away_.

            Given that that clearly has no chance of working, Bones forces himself out of bed thirty seconds later, his sun-burnt shoulders stinging as he heaves himself off the thin mattress. He doesn’t bother putting a shirt on or trying to tame his hair; he knows what he looks like when he gets out of bed, and whichever asshole decided it was a good idea to wake him up so early is just gonna have to deal with it.

            He stumbles through the dark living room and nearly falls face first when he trips over the coffee table, only catching himself on the side of the couch before he does. If his mood hadn’t been terrible before, it certainly is now. He finally opens the door with a barked “What?!”, his patience non-existent when he finally takes a good look at the bane of his goddamn life.

            James Tiberius Kirk, in all his glory, stands on his tiny porch, scruffy cheeks and longer hair than the last time they’d seen each other. Bones feels the familiar tug in his chest reappear, his heart dropping to his churning stomach.

            “What do you want?” he tries to grumble out normally, his throat dry with the words.

            Jim doesn’t answer him right away, his blue eyes raking him in from head to toe, and Bones suddenly regrets not taking a second longer to put a shirt on.

            “What’s the matter, Bones?” Jim finally says after a moment. “You don’t look too happy to see me.”

            “What else is new,” he barks out.

            Jim doesn’t bat an eye at his attitude and just pushes past him, a large bag hanging off his shoulder. Bones is hoping for a short stop-over, nothing but a ‘Hello’ and a ‘Goodbye’ before Jim is on his way again, but the bag clearly states otherwise.

            Bones pushes down his anger and merely closes the door, leaning his forehead against it. “What are you doing here, Jim?” he asks tiredly, exhaustion dripping off of him. He doesn’t have the energy to deal with this right now.

            “Can’t a guy visit his friend for the fuck of it? On that note: Hi Bones, how you been Bones, _long time no fucking see_ , Bones.”

            Bones doesn’t have to turn around to know Jim is pissed.

            “Did you really think you were going to be able to hide forever?” Jim continues, his voice growing with angry fervour at every word. “Did you really think it was a good idea to just leave without saying anything?!”

            “The universe is pretty goddam fucking big,” Bones finally snaps sarcastically, turning around with a scowl on his face. “Did you ever think I didn’t want to be found?”

            Jim stares at him with wide eyes, his mouth dropping open. “You don’t mean that,” he says after a moment, trying to push conviction into his words.

            “Maybe I do, Jim,” Bones sighs, slumping against the door at his back.

            “Why are you here, Bones?” Jim practically whispers. He drops the bag at his feet and rubs at the delicate skin of his neck, breathing deeply to calm down. “Why did you _leave_?”

            Bones can’t answer. He licks at his dry lips, determinedly not noticing Jim’s eyes flickering to his mouth, and pushes away from the door. “I’ve got an early day,” Bones breathed out, making his way back to the bedroom. “I’m going back to sleep. You’re welcome to the couch.”

            He lies down on his bed and curls up on his side, pulling the thin sheets up half-heartedly and tries to sleep. He has another two hours before he’s got to be up and at the medical facility, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t use those two hours to get some much-needed rest.

            The floorboards leading to his room creak and Bones holds his breath for the inevitable. It’s not long before he feels the mattress shift under the added weight, Jim sliding in behind him and carefully manoeuvering his way under the sheets.

            Jim settles in after a moment and tentatively reaches over, his arm wrapping around Bones’s mid-section with great care. He’s removed his jeans and his t-shirt, his bare skin almost shocking Bones back into full wakefulness. When Bones doesn’t throw him off, he moves forward a little more and lets his forehead rest against the nape of Bones’s neck.

            Jim’s body heat should be suffocating in the dry weather but Bones can’t help but welcome it, his body relaxing into the mattress in a way it hasn’t since he left Starfleet, left Jim and Spock and the Enterprise. He swallows heavily, his stomach churning with something that feels a lot like love and regret. He says nothing when Jim pulls him closer, the arm around his waist tightening further, as if the younger man is afraid he’ll disappear again without a word.

            Bones falls asleep with Jim’s steady heartbeat thumping against his back, the pace of it familiar and calming.

***

            Bones attempts to go about his day as if nothing’s changed; he gets out of bed with semi-difficulty, Jim’s sleeping form refusing to relinquish its hold on him until he practically falls out of bed. Jim curls up in the vacated spot, subconsciously seeking out Leonard’s body heat and Bones has to stop himself from saying ‘Fuck it’ and just climbing back in.

            Once he gets to the bathroom, he washes his face with ice cold water and stares at his tired reflection in the mirror. The bags under his eyes are darker than they’ve even been, and he knows that if he were to shave, he would see that his cheeks have sunken in from heavy work and sleep deprivation.

            “You have a beard,” Jim comments quietly from the doorway.

            Bones’s hazel eyes drift over to him in the mirror, Jim’s lithe form leaning against the doorjamb, his arms crossed over his still-bare chest.

            “So do you,” Bones replies in the quiet morning, nodding at the scruff covering Jim’s cheeks. “Your hair is longer too.”

            “Shore leave,” Jim shrugs. “Figured I’d take advantage of it.”

            Bones bites back a quip about being able to grow his own beard out as he wasn’t part of Starfleet anymore, but he holds himself back. “The Enterprise isn’t finished yet?” The last he’d seen of her, the Enterprise had still been docked in Yorktown, repairs far from being finished, and that was three months ago.

            “Not for another two or three months.” Jim’s reply is curt, and Bones knows he hates thinking of his ship having to undergo so many repairs.

            Bones nods and attempts to tame his hair, the longer strands refusing to cooperate. Just as he’s vowing to get a haircut as soon as possible, Jim walks over and runs a space pale hand through the curling strands, his touch delicate and possessive at the same time.

            “Don’t cut your hair,” Jim says, clearly reading Leonard’s mind. “I like it like this.”

            Bones feels his heart jumping to his throat and he has to restrain himself from latching onto Jim inappropriately. “I need a shower,” he grumbles and steps away, not bothering to wait for Jim to leave before pushing his boxers down and off and stepping into the shower, closing the glass partition behind him.

            Given the sort-of-recent establishment of the colony Bones has chosen to go to – _flee to_ , a voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Jim’s, corrects – the showers for most housing units are sonic-based only. However, being the head of the only small medical team on the planet, Leonard is given a few extra perks he rarely indulges in, but Jim’s surprise visit has rattled him enough that he chooses the water option, stepping under it with something akin to relief when he feels the warm water beating down his shoulders.

            He doesn’t hear it when the door is pushed open, but he certainly feels the gust of cold air against his wet back, and he nearly slips head first into the tiled wall when he realises Jim has just joined him. The soapy hands on his upper back are a surprise, and Bones is expecting something, anything other than what actually happens. Jim seems to have no intent other than to help him wash, rubbing soap along his shoulders and down his back, pushing on the sorer parts with his strong fingers and working the kinks out.

            Leonard holds back a groan, his head dropping forward as he gives in to Jim’s ministrations. He feels a delicate kiss being placed on the side of his neck as Jim moves closer, his arms wrapping around Leonard’s torso and running his soapy hands along the planes of his chest.       “Jim,” Bones whispers almost pleadingly, his voice so low he’s certain it’s being drowned out by the water, but Jim must hear him; the younger man shakes his head, plasters himself to Bones and just holds on to him. They stay like that under the flow of water for longer than Bones means to, reveling in the intimacy of simply being close to each other after a long absence.

            Jim only breaks away to grab the shampoo, working it into Leonard’s long strands and using the opportunity to massage his scalp, knowing the doctor has a tendency to let his migraines grow unattended without realising. He gently turns Bones around when he’s done, the two of them standing face to face as Jim encourages him to tilt his head back, rinsing the suds out and taking advantage of Leonard’s inattention to press another soft kiss to the hollow of his throat. Bones can feel his eyes stinging, a lump growing in his throat as he holds back the sudden flood of emotions at the simple gesture, but it doesn’t work on Jim; Jim, who’s known him for years, Jim who’s able to tell right away that Bones wants to cry but won’t let himself do so.

            With Jim’s hands cradling his face, the kisses drag up the column of his throat, the side of his temple and the line of his brow, until Jim reaches the corner of his mouth and stops. Bones can feel the anticipation growing in his veins, his stomach dropping to his toes. He wants that kiss more than he’s ever wanted anything in his life.

            “I miss you,” Jim whispers against his lips before capturing them between his.

            Bones melts into it automatically, his need to cry forgotten as he lets himself fall into the incomparable rightness that is Jim Kirk kissing him.

            “I miss you too,” Leonard croaks when Jim pulls back barely half a centimeter, the truth bursting out of him without his permission. He wraps his arms around Jim’s waist and pulls him close, pressing kiss after kiss against Jim’s mouth. “I miss you,” he whispers in between kisses, over and over again.

            He’s ready to live in this moment forever, to live within the walls of this shower for the rest of eternity if it means never leaving Jim’s side, when Jim reluctantly stops him for a moment, his arms curling around Leonard’s shoulders and his expression earnest as he asks softly:

            “Why did you leave?”

            The words drag Bones back into the present, almost like a jumpstart to thoughts that had escaped him for a while but were suddenly back full force. The strength of his love for Jim wars against his logic and he honestly cannot say which side is winning.

            As a result, Bones reluctantly pulls away completely, the feeling of warmth draining out of him even as the water’s temperature remains the same.

            “I need to get to work,” he whispers dejectedly, exiting the shower and hastily wrapping a towel around his waist, ignoring the hurt look Jim throws his way as he leaves him alone with the water still running.

***

            Bones throws himself into work for the rest of the day, arriving at the medical facility earlier than he’s meant to and staying on for much longer than he’s needed. He sees patient after patient, some people with injuries from construction, knitting bones and skin back together with efficacy, others with temporary and treatable illnesses that he treats with care and patience, especially so when his current patient is young and run down with fever. She’s sitting on the biobed with a frown on her face, Bones on his stool in front of her.

            “Alright, I’m gonna give you a little medicine,” he warns the young girl, wielding the hypospray with the utmost care and gently injecting her so that it doesn’t pinch too much. “There you go, that wasn’t too bad, right?” he smiles kindly at her, resolutely ignoring the new presence that entered the facility about ten minutes before, silently standing in the corner and watching them carefully. He’ll deal with Jim when he has the time.

            The little girl sniffles a bit and shakes her head, her fever already wearing off with the proper dosage. She leaves with her parents, careful instructions for proper medication and a follow-up appointment given to them, and Bones is suddenly left alone in the room with Jim. Leonard’s replacement is meant to be coming in soon, but he honestly doesn’t know if he can hold out for that long without doing anything irrational and stupid.

            He busies himself with needlessly reorganising the tray at his side, anything to keep his hands busy and his eyes away from Jim.

            “You need anything?” he finally asks after a moment, acknowledging Jim’s presence without turning.

            “Depends,” Jim says from his perch in his corner. “If your bedside manner was like that for everyone, I would’ve gone to sickbay much more easily.”

            Bones decidedly does not think about all the times Jim has ended up in his care, barely alive but still trying to refuse treatment, his own movements stiff as he continues placing and replacing things on the tray. He nearly startles when he feels a hand carding softly through his hair, Jim having moved behind where he was sitting without him noticing. He closes his eyes without thinking, letting his head rest back against Jim’s stomach as the younger man continues running his fingers through the strands.

            “Is this how long your day normally is?” Jim asks in a quiet voice.

            “No.” He leaves it at that, knowing Jim will connect the rest of the dots on his own. He tilts back a bit more and looks up, surprised at what he sees. “You shaved,” he remarks.

            Jim rubs at his clean-shaven jaw with the hand that’s not busy in Leonard’s hair. “Yeah it was starting to get a bit itchy.”

            “Well you do have sensitive skin,” Bones comments offhandedly, reaching up to gently touch the soft skin of his cheek. 

            Jim stares down at him almost reverently, questions clearly on his mind but he holds them all back. Bones can’t help but be thankful in that moment, though he knows it’s only a matter of time before Jim’s natural curiosity gets the best of him.

            He’s lost track of how long they stay in that position, with Bones still on his seat and leaning back against him, Jim a solid presence behind him with a hand still tangled in his hair. They’re only interrupted by the door being pulled open, Bones’s replacement arriving on time for her shift.

            “Oh. Doctor McCoy, sorry – I didn’t mean to interrupt you,” she stutters, her eyes going wide. They’re not in a compromising position per say, but Bones knows his staff would never have imagined him being so physically pliant with another person.

            “It’s fine,” he answers, tiredly pulling away. “We were just leaving.”

            Jim quietly follows him and they exit the building together under curious stares, walking the small distance to Leonard’s housing unit. It’s already night outside, the planet’s two moons casting a glow to their surroundings. Bones hadn’t realised the lateness of the hour.

            They walk onto the small porch and into the house, moving around each other as they always have, whether in the Academy or on the Enterprise. Jim heads into the kitchen and replicates meals for them, Bones heading towards the bathroom first to wash off the day’s work. He resolutely does not look at the shower door, pushing memories of this morning away.

            They eat supper and go to sleep without much fanfare. Bones tries his hand at giving Jim the couch again but Jim follows him diligently into the room and curls up around him, his body heat lulling Bones to sleep.

***

            The next few days pass in much the same fashion, Bones going to the med facility and Jim occupying himself with random work around the colony. With his vast expertise in several different subjects, his help is needed almost everywhere, and Jim goes along with it happily.

            On his mandatory day off, Bones is knee-deep in dirt by mid-morning when Jim finds him. He’s rooting around in his garden, pulling out weeds and checking on his plants when he catches sight of Jim standing in the doorway with a bemused look on his face, clad only in the black boxer-briefs he slept in.

            “You know I have neighbours,” Bones comments and scratches idly at his beard, looking down to keep Jim from seeing the small smirk on his face.

            “You afraid they’re gonna start talking?” Jim replies with amusedly, scratching at his bed head. “The good doctor and his hot young lover?”

            Bones ignores the way his stomach flips at the words. “Ha ha,” he says sarcastically, pulling out a few bad weeds. He hardly thinks anything of it when Jim slips back into the house and just continues working, the harsh sun beating on his shoulders. The tank-top doesn’t offer much in terms of protecting him, and as a doctor he should really know better, but anything else makes him feel like he’s suffocating.

            Jim reappears at his side a little while later, with jeans on but still no shirt, and a glass of ice water in one hand. He hands it over to Bones and wordlessly watches him gulp it down in one go, grabbing the empty glass back and pressing a fleeting kiss to Leonard’s cold lips.

            “Thanks,” Bones whispers against his mouth, uncaring of the neighbours who could be watching.

            Jim hums appreciatively and kisses him once more. “I’ll get you another one.”

            They spend the day in the garden, alternating between working and lounging, one of them running inside every once in a while to get snacks and drinks. At dusk, they sit on the porch on separate chairs, their legs tangled in the middle. Bones stares absently at the large cracks running through the wood, wondering if Jim will still be here when he finally gets around to fixing it.

            Bones knows Jim wants to ask again, can see that it’s constantly on the tip of his tongue but he’s holding himself back quite admirably. He knows it’s also only a matter of time before Bones is forced to face the question head on, and by doing so, will also have to face the actual reasons he left in the first place, but he’ll enjoy this while he can; sitting here on his porch with Jim next to him, with hardly a care and hardly a history on this new planet, he’ll let himself live this dream a little while longer.

***

            The unfortunate reality of being Leonard “Bones” McCoy is that his luck never lasts, and in consequence, neither does his happiness. He’s on a figurative high, constantly in a state of euphoria, when reality comes crashing around him like it always does.

            It’s the middle of the night when it comes, Bones and Jim wrapped up in each other on his thin mattress just as they have been since Jim got there, though their level of intimacy has never gone past a heated kiss; Bones won’t let it, not when his mind isn’t clear, and Jim won’t ever force him to.

            The insistent chirp of a personal comm rouses them, Leonard’s brows furrowed in a mixture of tiredness, confusion, and grumpiness, his eyes bleary with exhaustion. Jim is not faring any better if his angry grunt is anything to go by, the younger man doing his best to become one with Leonard’s torso, burrowing his face in the crook of his neck while mumbling profanities.

            “Go away,” Bones grumbles unintelligibly with exhaustion. He’s hoping it’s not a patient trying to contact him directly when the med facility is staffed at all times, but he wouldn’t put it past them. With that thought in mind, he forces himself out of bed and ignores Jim’s grabby hands reaching for him pitifully. Bones nearly trips over his clothes but manages to hold himself back just in time, stepping around the little pile and making his way to his desk where both their communicators sit.

            He realises once he gets there that it isn’t in fact his comm that’s buzzing, but Jim’s. He’s about to bring the device back with him to bed and let Jim deal with it when he catches sight of the caller. _Spock_.

            He swallows harshly and tosses the comm on the bed, landing it within reach of Jim’s still searching hands. “You’ve got a call,” is all he says before he locks himself in the bathroom, trying to even his breathing as much as he can.

            All of a sudden, every single reason Bones had given himself for running away from Starfleet comes back to bite him in the ass and he can feel the oxygen leaving his lungs and the muscles in his legs are giving up on him and Bones has no control over his body in this moment and his limbs want to meld themselves to the ground and keep him there for the rest of eternity.  

            “Bones?” he hears Jim say for what must be the millionth time, his voice soft and worried.

            Bones looks up with blurry eyes and finds Jim crouched above him, panic-stricken and uncertain of what to do.

            “What’s going on?” Jim breathes out, eyes wide and so damn blue.

             “I need to… I need to not be here right now,” he tells Jim honestly. He forces himself up on shaky legs and sidesteps Jim, heading to his room. He resolutely does not look at the bed he and Jim had been sharing minutes prior, and instead heads directly to the closet to grab his knapsack, stuffing it with clothes that would last him for a few days.

            Bones knows Jim is standing in the doorway, staring and trying to will an answer out of him, but he can’t do this right now. He pulls jeans on over his boxer-briefs and grabs a plain black t-shirt, stuffs his feet into sneakers, and takes the bag in hand.

            “I need a few days,” he pleads without looking back at Jim. “Just a few days to get my head together and then… I’ll try to answer your questions. Okay?”

            “Okay,” he hears Jim whisper. “I’ll be here.”

            Bones does his best to get past the hurt in Jim’s voice. He hikes the bag up on his shoulder and turns to head out. He makes himself stop next to Jim and kisses him softly on the corner of his lips, hoping to soothe the ache just a little bit.

***

            Bones spends the first three days of his self-imposed exile sleeping on the cot in his office in the medical building. He’s forced out of there on the fourth day when one of his colleagues, Ralph, walks in on him half-asleep and forces him out of the office and into the guest bedroom he has in his own quarters.

            “You didn’t have to do this,” he reminds Ralph once more, even as he’s already falling asleep on the much-comfier mattress, his back protesting the treatment of the past few days.

            “Nonsense,” Ralph half-whispers, turning the lights off. “Just sleep, Leonard.”

            Bones hums and lets his exhaustion take over him, though his dreams do their utmost to keep him from getting any rest. He dreams of green blood and Spock almost dying. He dreams of Jim already dead and body gone ice cold. He dreams of being left behind again and again and again, and he doesn’t know if he can take it anymore.

            He wakes up and muffles his sobs into his pillow, his shoulders shaking. He misses Jim with a deep ache in his chest, but it’s all just too much.

            Bones goes about the next few days in much the same fashion, and he knows Ralph wants to ask him if he’s okay, if the bags under his eyes should be a sign of something worse, but he reassures him with a semi-strained friendly smile and continues on with his patients.

            By the end of the week, Bones feels mentally and physically exhausted, and he honest-to-god just wants to curl up in Jim’s body heat and stay there for the rest of eternity. He wonders if that means he should just give in and make his way back to his own place and finally confront his reasons for leaving everything that means the world too him.

            By the time the sun is setting in the sky, Bones finds himself standing on his front porch, a reverse of how everything had begun. He bites his bottom lip and keys his code in, the lock sliding open and letting him through. Jim is nowhere at first sight, the house empty with only small bits of evidence of someone living here in the meantime. When he glances towards the kitchen however, he notices the back door leading to the garden is propped open. Bones places his bag by his feet and hesitates before moving forward.

            The sight that greets him in his garden is one of James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise, stripped down to his jeans and a dirty t-shirt and sanding out a long plank of wood that seems to oddly match the panels forming his small porch.

            “Jim?” Bones asks out of curiosity.

            Jim startles and whips around to face him, surprised at his presence. “Oh! Hi, I – I wasn’t expecting you to be back today.” Jim fidgets a little.

            “What are you doing?” Bones asks dumbly, staring at the area around Jim; the ground is littered with panels of wood and all sorts of tools, most of them likely not even his.

            “Um. Fixing your porch?” he says as though it’s a question.

            “Fixing my –” Bones cuts himself off when he remembers the cracks he’s been putting off fixing since he got here.

            Bones stares at him, speechless. Here is the man who captains an entire starship, darling poster boy for Starfleet, standing in his rattiest clothes replacing wood panels for his porch and Bones _has been trying so hard to stay away from this_.

            Before he fully realises what he’s doing, Bones is already across the garden and pulling Jim into a searing kiss. Jim responds instantly, dropping the tools from his hands and lifting his arms to encircle Leonard’s waist, tightening his hold to draw them together as close as possible.

            His head is up in the clouds, his heart is racing in his chest, and Bones can’t help but think he wants this forever. He nips at Jim’s lips one last time before pulling away breathlessly, staring wistfully at Jim when he realises the other is instinctively leaning forward to follow him.

            “We need to talk,” Bones says, his voice scratchy.

            Jim startles and looks up at him, but carefully nods and takes one step back. He inhales deeply and seems to be trying to ready himself for the worst.

            Bones walks over to the one of the chairs on his porch and sits down, his hands shaking with dread at the conversation that needs to be had. He waits until Jim grabs the chair next to him before starting.

            “I left, Jim, because you were going to leave first,” Bones finally forces past his throat, the reality of his words crushing him to the ground.

            “What?” Jim whispers, his eyebrows drawing together in confusion.

            Bones takes a deep and shaky breath. “In Yorktown, I overheard something I don’t think any crewmember was supposed to know. You were going to leave, Jim,” he says as he stares directly into ocean blue eyes. Jim’s sharp intake is enough to tell him that he wasn’t meant to know about this. “And so was Spock.”

            Jim sits forward in his chair, his shoulders hunched over. “I was going to tell you,” Jim says after a moment. “Before I’d made anything official, I was going to tell you.”

            Bones scoffs unkindly and he feels his stomach shrivel up. He wants to curl in on himself, subconsciously wanting to just melt into the ground and never come out to face the world again. “It was enough that you’d made the decision without telling me, Jim,” Bones swallows harshly and tries not to turn away. He stares at the curve of Jim’s back, the golden skin he knows is stretching across underneath the shirt. “Even though we’re not really involved, even though we’re not… we’re not –” he struggles to find the words. “Even though we are what we are, you could’ve at least _told_ me.” He can’t help the hurt that colours his voice. “I followed you into the black, Jim. And you were going to leave me there alone.”

            “Bones,” Jim turns to him, his eyes widening.

            “Spock isn’t any better,” Bones turns his face away, steadfastly avoiding getting drawn into ocean blue. “He was going to leave too, although it seems like you were already aware of that.”

            “Is that why you freaked out when you saw him calling?”

            “I didn’t freak out,” he grumbles. “I just suddenly… remembered why I’d left in the first place even though I’d tried my hardest to forget it, to just move on and build another life.”

            “What do you mean?” Jim settles back a little and sort of draws closer, the gulf between them a little less daunting but there just the same.

            “I watched him almost die,” Bones swallowed heavily. “I did my best to save him, to bring him back home to the Enterprise, and the entire time he’d been planning on leaving.”

            “Bones…”

            “I watched you _actually_ die,” he scoffed, shutting his eyes tight against the onslaught of memories. “I watched you leave me once already and I did something I took an oath to never do; I played God to bring you back. And I would do it again, Jim. I wasn’t going to let you leave. And there you were, planning to do it anyways.”

            Bones flinches when he feels a hand lightly settle down on his nape. He’s so caught up in his memories he doesn’t notice Jim close the distance between them, getting out of his chair and kneeling in front of Bones, pulling him into his arms. He inhales shakily but lets himself be pulled into the warmth of Jim’s body.

            “You were going to leave,” he whispers into golden skin. “And I couldn’t go through that again, so I decided to leave first.”

            And that’s really what it comes down to, isn’t it? Leonard’s been left before, he’s no stranger to it, but he just can’t do it when it comes to Jim. He can’t be the one left behind if Jim’s the one leaving; the days, weeks, months after Khan were filled with the most horrid nightmares he’s ever had and to know that Jim was going to leave him again… Bones couldn’t put himself through it.

            “I know it isn’t fair of me to say I didn’t want to be left behind,” Bones says after a moment of silence, Jim seemingly gathering his thoughts, “when you’ve spent your entire life going through it, and I added myself onto a long list the day I left Yorktown, but… Jim. You have to understand; I can’t do it when it’s you. I can’t watch you leave. I’m sorry.”

             He feels Jim’s shaky breath against the thin skin of his neck and can’t suppress the shiver it brings out.

            “I wanted to take you with me,” Jim finally admits in a quiet voice. “I wanted you to leave the Enterprise with me and settle down somewhere, anywhere. Because you’re right, Bones, I’m not good with being left behind,” he confesses as he pulls back a little, staring into Leonard’s hazel eyes. "I’m even worse about being separated from you; I was going to convince you to come with, get away from the black and settle with me somewhere not too different from this, let us serve Starfleet in some other way. And let us finally be something… more, me and you.”

            The words shock Bones to his very core. Jim had been planning on taking him with him and Bones had up and left without a word. “Jim –” he chokes out, feeling all the more terrible about his decision. “I’m so sorry –”

            Jim shakes his head and pulls him into a fierce kiss, the hand on his nape tightening. “I understand,” he mumbles against Bones’ lips, not bothering to move away. “I swear I understand. But please don’t leave me again, ok?”

            The words sound small and heartbroken and Bones can’t stand hearing Jim in so much pain. “OK,” he agrees, knowing there’s no possibility of him ever leaving Jim again. “Ok, Jim.”

***

            Bones is standing on the observation deck, the stars swimming past the ship as they continue on their path, a dizzying wave of lights and swirls that used to make him sick but which he can’t help but reluctantly admire now.

            It’s the middle of the night, ship time, and Bones can’t sleep. Every time he closes his eyes, the same nightmares appear out of the dark to haunt him, and so he forces himself out of bed and walks the semi-empty halls of gamma shift until he makes it to the observation deck, devoid of anyone else but him.

            It feels odd, Bones thinks to himself, to be back on the ship after he’s spent such a long time on a colony planet; he’s nearly forgotten what it feels like to be on a ship constantly in motion. It feels even odder to be back in regulation uniforms; he rubs at his cheeks and finds himself surprised once more at the smooth skin.

            He hears the door swish open behind him and doesn’t have to turn around to know who it is. It’s only been a couple of weeks since the Enterprise has been deemed fit for service, but Bones and Jim haven’t truly left each other’s sides since before then, their attempt at a relationship succeeding on their own terms. It’s no surprise that Jim would’ve woken up in the middle of the night to find the bed empty and come looking for him.

            Bones doesn’t startle when he feels arms wrap around his waist and a chin settle on his shoulder.

            “Did you have nightmares again?” Jim asks him.

            Bones doesn’t answer verbally but does allow himself to lean back, taking comfort in the solid presence surrounding him.

            “I’m surprised this is what you feel calms you down,” Jim comments after a moment of silence, his gaze trained on the dizzying array of stars and black past the observation window. “A sight like this would have sent you running and screaming just a few years ago.” He laughs when Bones playfully elbows him.

            “Jim,” Bones says as he stares at the stars, “I love you.”

            He feels Jim’s sharp intake, the tenseness in the arms wrapped around him, but he regrets nothing. They’ve been dancing around their feelings for years, and though they’ve sort of finally gotten their heads out of their asses when Jim followed him to the ends of the universe to drag him back, they have yet to actually say the words.

            “You don’t have to say anything,” Bones reassures him honestly. He doesn’t need to hear the words to know Jim loves him back. “I just wanted to tell you.”

            “I love you too,” Jim rushes out to say, tremors running along his arms. “I think I’ve loved you for a really fucking long time.” He turns Bones around and kisses him fiercely, uncaring of the fact that they’re both actually in casual sleepwear and for all it was night time, someone could still walk in on them any second.

            Bones feels the butterflies erupting in his stomach as he lets himself be embraced and pushed back against the thick glass, the darkness of space expanding behind him without a care, his attention focused on one person and one person only. His nerves are singing when Jim’s tongue swipes at his lips and it feels like the first time all over again and Bones can hardly believe his luck that he’s finally getting this, getting what he wants most in the world and that’s to be able to tell Jim he loves him while knowing Jim loves him back.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me [here](http://midnightsurge.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr!


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